Press "Enter" to skip to content

Surviving the National Egg Shortage

By Aaron Winslow 

You’ve probably heard that there’s a national egg shortage, but do you and your family have a gameplan? Here are some simple tips to help you survive the coming egg crisis.

– First and foremost, you should ABSOLUTELY PANIC. For God’s sake, it’s an EGG SHORTAGE!

– Make sure that your Egg Pouch is filled with eggs. Under no circumstances should you eat the eggs contained in your Egg Pouch at this time, because who knows how long this egg shortage will last. But you’ll sleep easier (ie, at all) knowing that your egg pouch is filled to the brim with emergency huevos. 

– An egg inventory is in order (frankly, this is standard and should have been done by now.) Count the brown eggs and the white eggs, sorting them by grade (AA Organic to B- Synthetic). **Remember! Discard any quail eggs that have snuck into your egg cavern!

– Contact your egg investment broker. NOW is the time to buy long on Easter Eggs! As the egg crisis deepens folks will turn to this natural alternative, and if you act quickly you’ll be prepared to reap the rewards of savvy egg speculation. Also consider diversifying your portfolio with omelet futures.


–  Call your Senator and tell them to support pending bipartisan Emergency Egg Authorization (EEA) legislation. If you have not yet received your Egg Stimulus Carton (ESC), let them know. This may require going to their office in person and demanding to be let in. But democracy is not a spectator sport.

– Find other egg-shaped objects and gather them together, preferably into groups of a dozen. Stare at these egg-substitutes for as long as it takes for them to look like the eggs you so dearly long for.

– Compliment the eggs you do have by telling them that their yolks are beautiful and gleaming and their shells are as white and pure as driven snow. Tell them that your spouse and family mean nothing to you compared to their glory. 

– Accept that you are powerless over eggs, and that eggs will return only when they have judged it proper to return. 

Thank you for reading!