By Ari Mostow | Staff Writer
Hi, my name is Dan Jeter, and I’m a coin eater. I know, it rhymes. Get over it.
I’m sure you have lots of questions for me, so I sat down in front of a mirror to interview myself.
“What’s your favorite flavor?”
It’s penny, thanks for asking. The thin copper coating on the outside and the hearty zinc core give it an incredible taste.
“What do you eat in a typical day?”
If we’re talking portion size, as long as I get to $1.25, I’m full. Sometimes, that means swallowing 5 quarters whole when I’m having lunch in a hurry. Other days, I eat leisurely – a few dimes for breakfast, some nickels for lunch, and pennies to snack on throughout the afternoon.
“How are you handling the national coin shortage?”
I’ve had to make sacrifices. Now, I can only eat coins a couple times a week. The other days, I have to settle for regular food, like filet mignon.
“Have you eaten any rare coins?”
Once, I ate an extremely rare, misprinted 1841 penny with Abe Lincoln’s head facing the wrong way. They said it was worth $350,000, but it tasted the same as all the other pennies I’ve had. The auctioneer yelled at me and I was detained by security until I could poop it out.
“Eating coins seems like a great idea. Is there any downside?”
“Where do you go shopping?”
Kroger has a delicious take-a-penny-leave-a-penny buffet at the cash register. Each penny only costs one cent – it’s a great deal! On special occasions, like birthdays, I’ll go to my local arcade and press the refund button on the pinball machines. Sometimes quarters come out.
“Do you own a fridge?”
Nope! I own a piggy bank. I still eat normal food like eggs and cheese, but I keep those in the piggy bank along with my coins.
“What’s the best dessert coin?”
I highly recommend the half-penny. But if we’re talking brunch, I prefer silver-dollar pancakes, minus the pancakes.
“Penny for your thoughts?”
I am thinking about eating pennies. Now you owe me a penny, because I told you my thought. Mmm, my mouth is watering already just thinking about it.
“What kind of music do you listen to?”
I’m a huge Nickelback fan. I also love Penny Lane by The Beatles, and I think that 50 Cent is the best rapper of the past quarter century. I also love Kendrick Lamar (but who doesn’t).
“Would you consider yourself an adventurous eater?”
I always love trying new ethnic cuisines. I love Chinese food (Yuan), and last night I ate the most delicious Mexican Pesos. Oh, and I love to eat Dong – the Vietnamese currency, that is.
“Do you invest in cryptocurrency?”
No way, it’s a total scam. You’re telling me Bitcoin is the money of the future and you can’t even eat it?
“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
I am already a fully grown man, and I own a restaurant. Well, technically it’s a laundromat, but for me it’s a restaurant.
“Do the coins hurt your teeth?”
Yes, obviously. Have you ever seen a coin? They’re made of solid metal!
Dan Jeter is a coin-eater and professional jukebox robber. It’s not his dream job, but he never goes hungry.