By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer
Shock and some awe hit patrons of the Floor Store like a sledgehammer Friday when a smaller store, the Door Store, opened within. “Everyone loves our floors!” said Floor Store manager Gore Topplin. “But we had too much floor space, so we decided to open up a store for doors inside our store.”
The Door Store, which sells those things people use to leave a room when someone farts, was a natural fit for the Floor Store. “Until the Door Store opened, there was nary a door in sight, let alone a whole store of doors,” said Sarmbee Donoway, a salaried volunteer/employee at the establishment. “And we needed a door, so we were its first customers.”
“There was already a store before,” shopper Bo Ortstein astutely noted. “And then out of nowhere, a new store, the Door Store, has doors galore.” The Door Store, which promises “Doors, doors, and more doors!” currently has over a thousand doors in inventory, ranging in all different styles, from “Open” to “Closed.”
MORE IN STORE FOR STORES?
NATION ASKS FOR ANSWERS
As with any new enterprise, problems are numerous. Most pressingly, the Door Store’s hours are exactly flipped from the Floor Store, such that the Door Store is only open when the Floor Store is closed. Therefore, no customers can enter the Door Store, even if they wanted to.
Regardless, there’s reason to believe the Door Store has been a success. “When God closes a window, he closes a door, too—one of our doors,” Donoway explained. With sales as good as they are, a nesting family of analysts estimated that by next week the Door Store will switch to become the main store, with the Floor Store taking up residence in the smaller area. “That would be a huge pain in the ass,” said management in celebration.
*Warning: this article is extremely annoying and thus not recommended for reading.
**Other warning: we should have put the first warning before the article. ♦
Image: Sam Cordell