Try to make as many sessions as you can,
By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer
Inundated with staggering environmental, health, and political crises, America is set to begin weekly therapy sessions. “Folks, we’re going through a lot right now,” said President Joe Biden (D) in a heart-to-heart Oval Office address. “So I got us a therapist to talk it all out. Let’s try this together. Look, it’s no good if it’s just me at these sessions,” he explained.
TALKING STICK WILL BE USED
Hopes are high that Dr. Jan Meyer, a licensed therapist working out of someone else’s home office in Lincoln, Nebraska, can mend 250+ years of strife and anguish over seven fifty-minute sessions. “I normally do an hour, but I think we can get it down to fifty,” Dr. Meyer noted. “You’re also my first big country, so it’ll be new for all of us!” Every Wednesday from 7 to 7:50pm, 330,000,000 Americans will cram into the living room, with everyone getting a fraction of a second to speak. To minimize interruptions, a talking stick will be used, something President Biden hopes to implement nationwide in a separate initiative.
The 165-dollar sessions represent the largest federal investment in mental health in US history, by far. With that much spending, accusations of “socialism” will likely be a main topic of the sessions, unfortunately. In the past, America has been reluctant to try therapy, opting instead to take out our stress on poor countries, or the environment. The closest historical equivalent came during the Cuban Missile Crisis of 1961, where a marriage counselor encouraged the United States and the Soviet Union to use words, not thermonuclear warfare, to express their differences. After a series of emergency talks that began with “I feel…” statements, the USSR acknowledged America’s personal space.
Afghanistan, climate change, the pandemic, inequality, Canada, you name it: no issue is off the table for those fifty minutes. “And nothing we talk about leaves this room,” Dr. Meyer promised. “What you say is between you, me, and the rest of the America only. I take this very seriously.” With that, our Commander in Chief made one last appeal while acknowledging the limits on his presidential authority: “Look, I can’t make you go,” intoned Biden, sitting backwards on the Resolute Desk chair as he held the talking stick. “Only Congress can do that. But we need it. Hell, I need it,” he uttered, rubbing his forehead. “We’ll go do this, then I’ll take you all out for ice cream. So, whaddya say?” ♦