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Fatal Car Crash Leaves Hundreds Slightly Inconvenienced

By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer

A devastating car crash on the 101 freeway has killed five, and left hundreds of commuters slightly inconvenienced for a few hours. “This traffic sucks,” said Sandy Bartarama, a fast food dietician. “Fucking MOVE!” she yelled, honking her horn mere feet from emergency responders at the scene of the incident.

Two young children are among the five dead. “I’m going to be late for work,” said Roy Lee-Land, a well respected but tall cymbal shiner who is stuck in the resulting traffic. “Look, two children died, and I’m very sorry about that, I guess, but these assholes should have crashed during off-hours.” In an inspiring moment of solidarity, the community banded together to prohibit any vigil or candlelight ceremony out of fear it would cause even more traffic. Already, victims have begun to reach out with touching and inspired messages of support. “They could go to hell for all I care, I just want them off the freeway!” intoned the good Reverend Quayn Douglas in a touching impromptu eulogy belched from the roof of his car. “God fucking damnit!” he prayed.


Families of those who perished are expected to issue a public apology for their kin dying in the middle of rush hour, but they’re not off the hook yet. In accidents as tragic as this, class action lawsuits filed by angry drivers against the relatives of the deceased are almost inevitable. Given that the only district judge in the area is among those still currently trapped in the pileup, the grieving families will catch little sympathy in court.

The police were compelled to hold a press conference. “It’s important to honk as much as possible,” said Chief of Police Hallan Varnovich. Chief “Varny” (as he is not known) admonished drivers to not ogle at the gruesome scene out of basic decency. “It slows down traffic. Have some respect for the driver behind you,” said Chief “V” (no one calls him that either). 

Already, a hideous memorial statue dedicated to those who lost so much of their day is under construction. Members of the public affected by this disaster are encouraged to keep it to themselves. ♦

Thank you for reading!