By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer
In need of a pick-me-up following the “total letdown” in Afghanistan, the United States has declared war on the tiny Caribbean island of Grenada. “I can tell you’re all pretty bummed about Afghanistan,” said President Joe Biden (D). “So, I arranged a little island getaway invasion that’ll cheer us all up! Whaddya say?”
“A FOREVER WAR DESERVES AT LEAST A NINE-DAY VACATION”
Grenada’s tropical climate, tradition of hospitality, and weak defense capabilities make it a great destination to occupy year-round. “I’m such a workaholic that I’ll have to remind myself: I’m here to relax. No nation building for me!” said Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin, who admitted he may do some slight nation building on the side anyway, “just for fun.” Military leaders stressed this will be done by the book, meaning no exit strategy whatsoever. Nevertheless, analysts agree that a forever war deserves at least a nine-day vacation.
“This invasion is strictly for pleasure,” the president clarified. “Now, if we find oil, bananas, or if they have a democratically elected socialist leader, we’ll… y’know, add to the itinerary,” said the president with a smile. Pentagon officials underscored their excitement to learn more about the country as soon as the war begins.
The rushed plan is not without controversy. According to senior officials, Puerto Rico, not Grenada, was the primary target for weeks. However, a bombshell intelligence report surfaced days ago suggesting America already owns the island (and has since 1898), making an invasion there only slightly more productive than Afghanistan. Cost is another concern. Experts estimate the vacation will run at least twenty billion dollars for the all-inclusive package. Contractors are jumping at the opportunity: Boeing, Raytheon, and Hamilton Beach have won lucrative contracts from the Department of Defense to construct resort barracks and radar-equipped piña colada blenders. Plus, given our track record, an American invasion of Grenada will vastly increase the chances for a Taliban takeover.
Things may not be so hot on the ground. “Aw, it just ain’t the same,” said Lt. General Mark McCaster as he kicked his F-35 in frustration. “If we’re not even gonna mill about for twenty years and do nothing, then why the hell are we here?” ♦