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Anti-Vaxxer Soccer Game Ruined by Moving Goalposts

By Nathan Mostow | Staff Writer

CRANBERRY, KANSAS – Members of the Cranberry Anti-Vaxxer Soccer League expressed frustration at an emergency league-wide meeting after their weekly game ended in yet another scoreless tie.

“It’s just so frustrating,” complained midfielder Quinn Spindle, whose team, the Freethinkin’ Footballers, had yet to score or allow a single goal all year. “We need to stop moving the goalposts. We’re making it impossible. It’s selfish, dishonest, cowardly, bad-faith tactics.”

When members of the Spindle’s rival team, the Red Pill Ruckus Raisers, pointed out that Spindle had moved his own team’s goalposts countless times, he quickly changed his tune. “I’m not moving the goalposts—I just don’t trust mainstream sports media like ESPN to tell me where the goalposts should be located.”

At press time, no members of the league had booked a COVID-19 vaccination appointment, even though most of them had previously said they’d get a vaccine as soon the FDA approved one. “We’ll see,” said Spindle. “I’ll look into the vaccine when I have time, but honestly, it’s not my top priority right now. First I want to fix these damn moving goalposts.” ♦

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