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Biden Promises Next Afghanistan Invasion Will Go Better

By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer

President Joe Biden (D) addressed a weary nation Thursday, promising Americans that the next invasion of Afghanistan will be much better. “The last twenty years in Afghanistan have caused only heartbreak and loss,” said the president. “America has learned its lesson on foreign wars: we’ll get it right next time.”


The occupation, which began in 2001, had been in dire need of a do-over for years. “When we invaded Afghanistan, we never meant to spend more than nineteen years there,” admitted former President George W. Bush. “It’s time to end my war, so that someone else can start one,” he said graciously. George Bush, himself an attempted do-over from his father, was happy to hear America will get another stab at something he worked so hard to delegate.

Already, seeds are being planted for a return. In abandoning billions of dollars of military equipment in the country, the American military is avoiding an unnecessary hassle. “Why schlepp our tanks, planes, and weapons back to the United States if we know we’re just going to end up back here eventually?” said a government official. When asked if he was worried the Taliban would commandeer the unguarded fleet of Black Hawk helicopters, the president smiled knowingly. While they may have the helicopters, Biden explained, the military was able to evacuate the keys to the helicopters, which he jingled with a smirk. “What’re they gonna do without the key? America wins again! Checkmate, Taliban!” he gloated before dropping the keys down a storm drain.

Many in the intelligence community are determined to somehow preserve the memory of the occupation to inform future identical military actions. “It will be five, maybe even ten years before we go back into Afghanistan,” said Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin. “Our challenge now is, how will we remember something that happened nearly half a generation ago?” To that end, the Pentagon will reconsider its policy of “starting fresh” every five years by destroying all internal files and historical databases. It will also experiment with consulting a middle school history textbook when planning long-term military offensives.

The humiliating collapse of the Afghan government within days has underscored the need to really think about it first before deciding to go to war. On the other hand, the tumult created in our wake may be just what we need to double-dip. “The chaos we have caused in evacuating will help justify America’s return at some later date,” said Biden. By then, we’ll have another chance to screw it all up. ♦

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