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Olympic Winners to Receive Metals

By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer

Lucky winners at the 2021 Tokyo Olympics will be returning to their home country with a roll of metal, Olympic officials say. The world’s greatest athletes will receive a tube of supermarket-grade Reynold’s Wrap aluminum foil, which they can put on their mantle, or use to package up leftover sandwiches.

This was not the original plan. “We ran out of medals about halfway through,” admitted an Olympic spokesperson. “It did not occur to us that competitors in every sport got medals, not just the ‘important ones.’ So we had to improvise.” For lesser events, like the 200 Meter Hardwood Sock Slide or Men’s Cooking, a partly used 25-dollar Barnes and Noble gift card was to be the top prize. But upon protest from the competitors and angry calls from their parents, the Olympic Committee relented, agreeing orally to award “metals.”

Olympic events where metals will be handed out:

Women’s Corn Husking

 Synchronized Driving


Men’s Meditation

The 100 Meter Whistle n’ Skip

(*hiders only. Seekers to receive medal.)

Screen Shot 2021-08-07 at 10.33.03 AM
The Italian delegation for Women’s Corn Husking celebrate their gold metals.

The medals, normally made out of metal, are in desperately short supply. Already, major events have been forced to cut silver medals in half and share. “It’s like I got fourth place,” said a half-silver recipient. It remains unclear why the Olympic Committee ordered far fewer silver medals than bronze or gold.

With just 24 hours left in the Tokyo games, the Olympics have begun the wrap up process. The Olympic rings will be packed up and stored in the attic, next to the box for Christmas decorations. Competitors have been asked to pick up five pieces of trash they see lying around before leaving. And the Olympic Village is now a La Quinta. Why wouldn’t they start now? After all, the 2021 Tokyo Olympics will have had the lowest ratings in modern history. Anyone who has been paying attention to the games deserves a silver medal, or at least half of one. ♦

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