By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer
After enduring the American public for six months, President Joe Biden (D) hit a breaking point Wednesday when he implored all citizens to use their indoor voices.
“We’re at a ‘10’ right now,” said a visibly exasperated Biden, declaring a state of emergency at FEMA headquarters. “Please use your indoor voices. I can’t hear myself think,” he continued, rubbing his forehead. “Some of you are driving me nuts!” The noise problem has gotten so bad, in fact, that the president has had to leave the country just so he can get some work done.
“Today, I am calling on the American public to take it down to a ‘6,’ or even just a ‘7’ on the scale. Whatever. You know what I mean, folks.” To drive his point home, Biden revealed a heartbreaking personal anecdote. “I met with an unemployed mother of three in Iowa last week,” intoned the Commander in Chief. “And I couldn’t hear a thing she said.”
“LIBRARY” JOE
Eager to lead by example, this administration is the quietist in modern American history. Since January, the White House has been at a “2”— legal jargon for “soft whispers.” This, combined with a strict “no horseplay” rule, reinstated after the last administration, is responsible for the president’s signature domestic achievement, “flying under the radar.” Over these last six months, Biden has managed to say just five run-on sentences, all of which were drowned out immediately by less important people.
“Some of you are driving me nuts.”
Biden’s push to speak at a reasonable volume betrays just how out-of-step he is with the public. Since the 1980s, Americans across all demographics have gotten louder. Statistically, those born after the year 2000 are four times more likely to enjoy the sound of their own voice than their parents. Sensing an opening, the GOP plans to run on a platform of “Noisier Than Ever Before” in 2022. To appease the electorate, Biden signed an Executive Order designating both Dakotas as the nation’s “Ruckus Rooms,” where people can go to be loud far away from everyone else.
Many see the move towards indoor voices as too little, too late. One has to account for international conversion—much as American miles are larger than otherwise-universal kilometers, a “6” stateside is recognized as a “10” everywhere else. Besides, Canada and Mexico have already lodged multiple noise complaints against the United States at the UN. Florida in particular has been so loud that Cuba, The Bahamas, and Jamaica have all moved out just to get a decent night’s sleep.
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If enacted, the “Indoor Voice” policy would likely be the most transformative social program since the New Deal. But actually implementing it may not even be the point; for a president as quiet as this one to lead a nation as loud as ours, just getting the message across is an achievement unto its own. ♦