By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer
Dear Mayor DeBlasio,
I am a resident of Los Angeles who has the pleasure of going to New York City a few times per year. Sometimes for business, sometimes for pleasure, but always so that I can tell people I go to New York City a few times per year.
For all the travelling I do, I am dismayed at the lack of memorabilia aimed at New York’s Los Angeles visitors like myself. The only sartorial option seems to be the classic “I ♥ NY.” An iconic design, sure, and perfectly fine for tourists, but people from my city who spend weeks or days in the Big Apple require something a little less… enthusiastic. In other words, a memento establishing we go to New York—but that we visit so often that it is no longer a novelty. The solution is obvious: an “I Like NY” shirt for the LA crowd.
Let me explain: a tourist is someone who visits the M&M store, waits in line for SNL, and goes maybe once every few years, if that. Those are the people with which I ♥ NY resonates. Folks like myself, on the other hand, travel “when the weather is good,” go to Broadway shows “as a favor,” and say we could get into SNL because Lorne made eye contact with us once at the Christmas afterparty in 2012. “I like NY,” we will tell you between sips of our oat milk inventions.
I Like NY is a shirt that elicits from the passing viewer the thought, “Wow, he must really go to New York a lot because it’s not even a big deal for him,” a perception which in this town will get you at least halfway to a successful and lucrative career in entertainment. If you like, you can even use one of these extended slogans which I picked up by eavesdropping for five minutes at a Netflix party on Sunset. Any one of these will help thread the needle:
“I Like NY, But I Cannot See Myself Living There, Not Right Now Anyway.”
“I Like NY—There’s Just So Many More Connections In Hollywood, But, Yeah, I Go When I Can.”
“I Like NY. In Fact, I Just Got Back From There. Ask Me About It, If You Want.”
“I Like NY, It’s Just A Bit… Much, You Know?”
“I Like NY, But Never In August.”
These shirts will sell like vegan hotcakes! Based on the people that I know, millions of my fellow Californians will proudly wear these shirts so everyone can see that they go to New York with the frequency and enthusiasm of a part-time job. At the very least, this presents a once in a lifetime opportunity for us Angelinos, because rarely do our opinions ever fit on a shirt. One note: it is critical that you do not stop making I ♥ NY shirts. It has to be clear that we could have purchased an I ♥ NY shirt, but decided not to. Otherwise, the entire illusion is lost.
At the very least, this presents a once in a lifetime opportunity for us Angelinos, because rarely do our opinions ever fit on a shirt.
Let’s face it—deep down, LA ♥s NY. But you and I both know we could never admit that in public. I ♥ NY betrays a level of fascination with your city that carries minimal social currency. On the other hand, saying the phrase “Yeah, I just flew in from New York” in a disinterested tone is by far the best souvenir New York currently has to offer visitors from LA. It is my sincere hope you graft this mentality onto an itchy, 100% polyester shirt and sell them at LaGuardia for 29.99. I will buy one for every day of the week!
PS I will be in New York later this month so we can talk then. But no biggie, I’ll probably be back in fall anyway. ♦