By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer
Just months into his term, President Joe Biden (D) is already deep in the process of choosing a municipal park bench to be named in his honor.
“This park bench will carry his legacy,” said one Biden advisor, who clarified that they would select an existing bench rather than build a new one. “Once completed, the Joe Biden Memorial Bench will be an educational resource open to the public. Future generations will come from all over the park and learn that Joe Biden was once president.” Sources say Biden is hoping to install his bench in Delaware but will absolutely take wherever he can get, as evidenced by the fact that he hopes to install it in Delaware.
EVERY PRESIDENT GETS SOMETHING
Though this would mark the first ever presidential bench, American history is riddled with unorthodox tributes to our heads of state. FDR demanded his head be on the “tiniest coin we make.” Richard Nixon tried (unsuccessfully) to have the Watergate complex named after him. Most puzzling is Abraham Lincoln, who on his deathbed made everyone in the room promise that he’ll get an insurance company. “The Constitution enumerates that every former president must have at minimum an info kiosk or gift shop dedicated to them,” noted Ehren Peters, professor of political science at Dart Mouth College. “Even if they sucked, they still get a parking lot or whatever.”
“This park bench will carry his legacy”
Remembering Biden in the future will be a mammoth task, given how hard it is to remember him now. “Look, there’s not going to be a Joe Biden High School anytime soon,” said Dr. Jill Biden. “In fact, it would be a dishonor to his legacy, to have him be so prominent.” Instead of an international airport or military base, Joe Biden will get a bench adorned with a very small plaque. The plaque would read DEDICATED TO JOE BIDEN. HE ALWAYS LOVED BEING PRESIDENT! and will only be possible if the money is raised, and they get his name right.
Despite these headwinds, the White House nearly opted for a far more ambitious plan. When Joe Biden heard that President Obama was constructing a massive library, he briefly reconsidered his plans to be more in line with his former boss. “Maybe I can get a bench inside Barack’s library. That would be huge for me,” he said. But upon further discussion, the president and his advisors agreed the scheme was out of their reach, at least for now. Getting invited to the grand opening was honor enough, and the president didn’t want to “push it.”
Decades after this administration, parents will sit their child down at the Joe Biden Memorial Bench. They’ll tell stories about how, under his leadership, they could totally ignore politics and live their lives for a few years. With such a grand monument, Biden will not have to worry about his legacy—provided they are able to afford the plaque. ♦