By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer
A nation hungry for salacious details was thoroughly disappointed Wednesday when the first tell-all of the Biden presidency was released, selling four copies.
Titled Not Much to Say, it contains anodyne observations from a mostly competent and well-organized White House. “I’m an insider high up in the Biden administration,” wrote the anonymous author. “So far so good,” the most provocative passage read. The decision to remain anonymous was made because a lack of controversy and news coverage meant that no one would have recognized their name anyway. More personal aspects of the president’s life are also revealed, namely that he enjoys mint chip ice cream more than other flavors, a fact disputed by no one.
“So far so good,” the most provocative passage read.
At just six pages, it is less of a book and more of a pamphlet. But that hasn’t stopped conservative pundits from trying to squeeze as much juice from the book as possible. “It seems like ‘Mint Chip Joe’ can’t get enough ice cream,” said Sean Hannity on an episode of his show before breaking down. “I’m… I’m sorry,” he intoned, looking at a producer offscreen. “‘Mint Chip Joe’? Is that the best we got? I have to do an hour on this?” Mr. Hannity was the purchaser of all four copies.
All of this comes at a moment of crisis for the White House, where approval ratings of presidential tell-alls have reached historic lows. “The administration needs to do something stupid, soon, or else no one’s gonna get a book deal,” said Mr. Rinse, replacement professor of tell-all books at Winnebago College. “He is easily the worst Commander in Chief we’ve ever had when it comes to zest and zhoosh.” The effects could be legacy-shattering: in 40 years, analysts are predicting that Biden will be the last president picked by third graders when it’s time to do a presentation for social studies.
On Twitter, the president had no response. (And why would he? What makes you think a president would do something like that?) Anyway, the lack of engagement from the administration appears to be working. With just four copies sold, the American public appears to have moved on to more interesting things. ♦