By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer
The global ring of elite financiers, media barons, and corporate executives who exclusively control the world’s levers of power raised 3,000 dollars to build a community garden in Pensacola, Florida.
The faceless cabal of globalists was first alerted to the need for a community garden by way of Yasmine Shaw, a single mother of two in Pensacola. “I was going to go to my neighborhood council,” she said, “but then I thought, ‘why not run my proposal all the way up the chain?’” After following the clues printed on the back of every dollar bill (they’re right in front of you, you just have to know where to look), she was able to reach the Illuminati and apply for funding. “They were very nice about it, and super easy to talk to.” The garden is set to open next week.
The Illuminati’s influence can be seen all around society. “Yes, we exert Machiavellian control over all of Earth’s political and financial institutions,” they admit. “But global domination is just one of our many goals. Over the last few years, we’ve been focusing more on local initiatives, like skate parks, rec centers, and graffiti removal.” Last month, the Illuminati opened new playgrounds in five of Atlanta’s poorest neighborhoods. “The structures are made of repurposed industrial material, which is great for sustainability,” noted the elite puppeteers. “And they form a pentagram, which is very important to us.” Plans to open 666 recycling centers nationwide are in the works as well.
The Illuminati continues to be the focus of countless online conspiracies. An anonymous post on 4chan with the subject REVEALED: Illuminati’s SECRET plot to build MUNICIPAL POOL IN AUSTIN, TEXAS garnered thousands of views. The globalists responded with a cryptic press release, which when decoded read “We are the Illuminati. We control all. We have no plans for a public pool at this time.”
Nonetheless, it appears that this latest project is engendering goodwill. “It’s really restored my faith in shadowy global cults,” said Shaw, who plans to grow squash and maybe zucchini when the garden opens. “Thank you, Illuminati!” At the end of the day, that may be what it’s all about. “Projects like these remind me why I got into controlling the world in the first place,” an anonymous Illuminati member wrote in invisible ink. “What’s the point of manipulating world governments when you can’t make a difference on your own block?”
Donations to the Illuminati are tax deductible. ♦
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