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Report: 90% of Nation’s Infrastructure Just Toilet Paper Tubes

By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer

Most of America’s roads, bridges, waterways, and mass transit systems are made of cardboard toilet paper tubes, according to a new report from the American Society of Engineers.

A bridge in Arlington, Virginia.

The study estimates that 90 percent of our built spaces are just cardboard toilet paper tubes. “We were shocked with the results,” said the authors. “It’s actually less cardboard than we anticipated.” The other ten percent of our nation’s roadways and structures were determined to be made of sturdier materials like sawdust, lint, or cornmeal.

“Power lines should not be soggy”

Cardboard toilet paper tubes are the gold standard for small elementary class projects, and spaceships. However, it is somewhat less desirable when it comes to nation building. Climate change in particular poses an existential threat to our cardboard highways, which have been known to collapse in extreme weather events like rain. Even worse, the report found much of the cardboard infrastructure is “somewhat” or “very” mushy as it is, a trend that is likely to worsen. “Power lines should not be soggy,” it astutely noted.

Luckily, President Joe Biden (D) revealed a massive public works package last week to deal with the #cardboardcrisis. With a projected price tag of two hundred dollars, it calls for replacing the old toilet paper tubes with brand new toilet paper tubes. “Our infrastructure is inadequate,” said President Biden, addressing the nation from a podium made of balsa wood. “We will use lots of duct tape this time, as well,” he added, making good on a campaign promise. “This is a chance to build the infrastructure that we will overuse for the next 70, 80 years… This is infrastructure your grandkids and great grandkids will be complaining about.” The cardboard will also be weatherized with the latest technology, meaning covered in saran wrap. Until the new improvements are made however, Americans are advised to not touch anything or breathe too hard near bridges and roads, and not to sneeze in government buildings.

The used tubes will be donated to Ms. Green’s 4th grade homeroom, where they are making a cardboard fort by the sandbox that does not have any toys. Once that mammoth task is complete, Biden plans to modernize our national electrical grid, which is currently a daisy chain of extension cords that flows from a single outlet in a Tijuana gas station.

That may be a job for cornmeal, however.

Thank you for reading!