The Inquirist Editorial Board
Following back-to-back mass shootings in Atlanta and Boulder, Darren Weiss, the last remaining “good guy” with a gun, has sold his gun.
Weiss purchased his firearm in 1998, becoming the only known good guy in America to own a firearm. “I thought they looked cool, and that maybe I could use it to stop bad guys with guns.” The NRA pounced on the narrative, holding Weiss up as a valiant example of responsible gun ownership. Then-NRA President Wayne LaPierre’s infamous 2005 line, “the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is Darren Weiss,” was changed to “good guy with a gun” at the last minute.
Unfortunately for Weiss, stopping bad guys with guns proved harder than expected. “I almost stopped a bad guy with a gun at the mall in 2003,” Weiss said, “but then it turned out he wasn’t a bad guy at all. He also did not have a gun.”
“I almost stopped a bad guy with a gun at the mall in 2003, but then it turned out he wasn’t a bad guy at all. He also did not have a gun.”
“I like Darren,” said Ryan Epps, a neighbor who said he was surprised to hear that Weiss had owned a firearm this whole time. “He’s a good guy.”
Without Weiss, opponents of gun control policies have lost their most effective and normal spokesperson. Accordingly, the NRA has come out in support of a publicly searchable firearm registry, to find out if there are any other good guys out there, because “One good guy with a gun will balance everything out. Of course, it’s also important for at least some bad guys to have guns, because why else would all the good guys need guns?”
The startling proliferation of mass shootings has bolstered support for gun control amongst good guys, and the population as a whole. A recent survey found that 4 out of 5 citizens support an assault weapons ban, and the fifth has already moved to a country with better gun control.
It remains to be seen if Weiss will be known as a “good guy without a gun” or simply “Darren.” The Inquirist will not update this story. ♦