By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer
Coca-Cola announced today its intentions to begin removing cocaine from its most popular drink, with a goal of “zero cocaine” by 2025. “It’s been a great run, and we’re all sad to see cocaine go,” said Richard Haas, vice president of marketing. “Some of you will be really, really sad.”
Ever since 1872, Coca-Cola has included two hits (or “bumps”) of nose candy in its original flavor. “Many have obsessed over our so-called ‘secret formula.’ Well, it’s cocaine. That’s the secret. Not that hard to figure out.” For those wondering why cocaine wasn’t taken out earlier, Haas has an explanation. “We tried that with New Coke, and you all hated it. And anyway, our customers who did not want cocaine in their drink could have just bought a Diet Coke. There’s still some cocaine in that, but much less.” For years, Coca-Cola responsibly sourced the thousands of keys it needed from Ralph, a guy who hangs out at the corner of Lawrence and Fifth and can get you that primo Colombian shit.
The change comes as Coca-Cola is coming under renewed public scrutiny following a bombshell report on teen usage. It found that 89 percent of teenagers admitted to experimenting with the soda, and 60 percent consume it more than once a month. A new drug concoction known as “Lean” has taken the college-aged population by storm, where soda is cut with cough syrup to make it easier to partake. “Coca-Cola was never intended for teenagers, or even humans,” Haas explained. Its ubiquity has earned it the unfortunate distinction as a “gateway soda,” opening up young adults to much more dangerous soft drinks, like Pibb or even Mountain Dew in extreme cases.
“Coca-Cola was never intended for teenagers, or even humans”
The Food and Drug Administration expressed disappointment with the change. “We were really hoping Coca-Cola would cut down on the sugar levels instead,” noting that “the insane sugar and caffeine content in a can of Coca-Cola is far more psychoactive and detrimental to health outcomes. If anything, the cocaine acts as a stabilizer in comparison. We urge the Coca-Cola Company to take it down a notch” (one can of Coke contains 300 grams of sugar, possibly more, but they stopped counting after 300).
The future of the nation’s favorite soft drink-slash-hard drug is unclear. Millions of Americans have fond memories of bringing Coke to family events and getting really high together, and no new recipe could erase that. For their part, Pepsi is hoping to capitalize on the fallout, pledging to double down on its DMT content. ♦