By Nate Odenkirk and Ari Mostow | Staff Writers
President Joe Biden (D) learned a hard truth last week at the White House.
“Hey, buddy!” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) as he entered the Oval Office. “Hope we’re not disturbing you,” he said, motioning for Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) to come in the room. “Nancy, you better be here for this.”
“What’s up guys!” said Mr. Biden, with a look of youthful naiveté. “Are we gonna throw the ball around?”
“No,” said Speaker Pelosi, with a sullen look. “Chuck and I have something to tell you, Joe. Bipartisanship isn’t real.”
President Biden laughed. “Yeah right, you guys. Nice one. C’mon, man. I know bipartisanship is real, you told me so!”
“Those were all lies, Joe. It’s not real. Republicans don’t work with us, and we don’t work with them.”
President Biden’s smile disappeared. “That can’t be right—no, no, I refuse to believe it!”
It was Majority Leader Schumer’s turn to level with the president. “Joe, do you see any Republicans in the room with us now? It’s just me and Nancy. There’s no bipartisanship, and there never has been.”
“Why… why would you guys lie to me like that?”
“Oh, it’s a fun story we like to tell every four years,” said Speaker Pelosi. “No one really believes it, because it just doesn’t ever happen. It’s okay, every president finds out eventually.”
“Barack was in on it, too,” said Pelosi. “Yep. All eight years.”
President Biden began tearing up. “What… what else isn’t real? What else have you lied to me about? What about McConnell—those are just ghost stories, right?”
“Well, he’s real, unfortunately,” said Leader Schumer.
“So… what do we do?”
“Hey, champ, it’s okay. We have a majority!” said Leader Pelosi. “Barely.”
“Really, you mean it?!” said Mr. Biden, blowing his nose.
“Yes, we mean it! We can do some stuff. Not a lot, but some stuff. Maybe. Can you live with that?” said Schumer.
“Yeah, I guess so. Can I at least keep telling everybody that we’ll be bipartisan?”
Schumer and Pelosi exchanged a silent look.
“Sure… sure you can,” said Leader Schumer. “C’mon, champ, let’s get some ice cream.” ♦