By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer
Giddy NASA engineers disclosed Wednesday the discovery of an asteroid with a delicious molten caramel and nougat center. “This asteroid, which we’re calling Snickers-39307, has a luscious caramel-peanut core, enrobed in fancy nougat,” said the group of engineers, all less than 14 years old. “We have reason to believe it is headed straight for Earth and is incredibly delectable.”
Within an estimated ten days, Snickers-39307 will be just 100 miles from Earth’s atmosphere. “This is the point where 99% of asteroids burn up due to the extreme temperatures and friction,” the kid scientists said. “It remains to be seen whether the hard candy coating will be resilient enough to resist the sheer heat upon entering the exosphere,” they noted. Already, studies are being conducted by placing M&Ms in the scientists’ pockets to see if they melt. Preliminary results are messy, but promising. In the off chance the asteroid makes landfall intact, its massive nougat and caramel reserves could provide enough material to mass-produce 16 trillion candy bars, though the brand has not yet been determined (the name ‘Snickers’ was a total coincidence). “Obviously, I think it should go towards Mars Bars, that would make a lot of sense. I also just really like Mars Bars, and they don’t sell them where I live,” one aerospace engineer complained.
This is far from the first candy-related space encounter in Earth’s history. In 1948, NASA (National Aeronautics and Sweets Administration) was founded to determine, once and for all, if the moon was made of white chocolate. It wasn’t, though they did find some Almond Joys stashed away in a crater. And it was a candy asteroid not unlike Snickers-39307 that collided into Earth 65 million years ago, wiping out all life at the time by giving every organism diabetes.
Should we be concerned? Probably not, said NASA’s head of confectionary. “Unless you have a peanut allergy, there is nothing to worry about,” she said (*Snickers-39307 was made in a galaxy that also processes tree nuts). Those with peanut sensitivities should seek shelter below ground immediately, while the rest of us should walk outside, stare directly at it, and open our mouths. At the point of impact, scientists will be standing by with measuring instruments and bowls of ice cream. When asked what kind of information will be collected, NASA insisted that taste was of paramount importance. Satellite imagery suggests the asteroid has a nutritional info label, but they will be intentionally ignoring that data.
Those with peanut sensitivities should seek shelter below ground immediately, while the rest of us should walk outside, stare directly at it, and open our mouths.
Though the asteroid will likely cause widespread destruction, we are relatively lucky. In scientific terms, this is only a “fun-size” asteroid, with many space rocks reaching king or even share-size. Plus, it’s made of candy, which is, like, the definition of lucky. If nothing else, the event will be a watershed moment for space exploration. “It’s amazing to look up into the night sky and see billions upon billions of flavor combinations that mankind may never get to try,” said a NASA astronomer. “When I look into my telescope, I see salty, sweet, tangy, even chocolatey formations. Or maybe I’m just really hungry when I work—it could be both.”
Scientists are reminded to take at least three big bites of their asparagus before “studying” the candy rock. ♦
Image by @Famousronsoriginal