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Nation to Check in On Biden Here and There


By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer

The nation agreed collectively last week to check in on President Joe Biden (D) and his administration from time to time. “You know, glance at the news occasionally, see what he’s been up to,” said Stanley Horse, a door-to-door gold salesman from Florida. “But I think we can take our eyes off the ball for at least a little while. He’ll be fine without us.”

“The ‘autopilot’ button has never looked better!” said Jen Psaki, White House Press Secretary, adding that now is the best time to Americans to “tune out” of politics. For her part, she’ll hold press briefings every day, but they’re “totally optional.” “Don’t hold your breath. Thank you everybody,” she said as she left the mostly empty press briefing room. She later clarified that the “tune out” initiative has nothing to do with escaping public scrutiny. “There just really isn’t anything insane happening. If you want to know our agenda with any issue,” she added, “think of the most reasonable thing, and we’re probably doing that as slowly as possible. There you go.”

“The ‘autopilot’ button has never looked better!”

This announcement comes as many Americans are extremely tired, of everything. “Good to know I can sit this presidency out,” said Peter Barnes, a lighthouse keeper in Oklahoma. “I could really use a four-year nap right about now.” President Biden said he understood that things may get a little boring for those not inclined to quadrennial naps. “I told everybody to bring a book or game with them when my presidency started, and I stand by that” said Mr. Biden. “You’ll just have to entertain yourselves. I’m gonna stay out of it.” On Thursday he signed a new executive order, “A Presidential Memorandum to Neither Be Seen, nor Heard,” set to go into effect immediately.

A new stimulus package announced last month is an early stress test for the nation to only halfheartedly pay attention to politics. Among the most generous payouts yet, the administration is already providing Americans with two extra hours per day to spend on whatever they want. Before January 20th, the previous administration had reserved those two hours of every day to worry, and yell. Now, thanks to Biden, Americans will have time on their hands to worry and yell about other things, for once.

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