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Free $1,400 Checks Popular, For Some Reason

By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer

A new Inquirist-IQ poll released Wednesday showed strong support for Congress delivering 1,400 dollar checks to Americans, for some weird reason. The survey asked, Do you support getting 1,400 dollars for free, that you can spend anywhere on anything you want or need? Fully 97% of respondents said yes, with specific results broken down here:

47%: 1,400 dollars? Are you shitting me? Fuck yes!

30%: I need this money to live (yes)

20%: Woohoo!

*The other 3% selected “I’m an idiot, and don’t know how money works. I need someone to explain to me why 1,400 dollars will somehow improve my financial situation.”

When asked what they planned to do with the money should they get it, most said they will use it to buy, you know, food. A small minority of recipients say they will also buy food with it, but not before exchanging it for 14-100-dollar bills just because they can first. “For some weird reason, giving away over a thousand dollars is polling well amongst the general public,” said economist Mort Whitaker. “It’s not just the pandemic—giving away money has always been well-recieved. Ever since money was invented thousands of years ago, we’ve seen high enthusiasm for these kinds of policies.”

Others were puzzled. “Huh,” said Oobs Hefflin, a less-intelligent economist. “This one’s a real head-scratcher. I’m an economist, but I don’t normally think about money.” It appears that further study is needed.

With such universal support amongst the American public, Congress is sure to just barely pass the proposal by a razor-thin margin.

Thank you for reading!