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Supreme Court Rules You Should Text Her

By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer

A fiercely divided Supreme Court ruled Friday that you should totally text her, bro.

The 5-4 decision came after heated debate between the justices regarding how much to read into your prior texts with her. Ultimately, her texting the word “thanks!” after you told her what the homework was for Psych 101 turned out to be a key factor. “She totally likes you,” wrote Chief Justice John Roberts for the 5-justice majority. They appeared to adopt an expansive interpretation of the text, reasoning that the exclamation point showed flirtatious intent. “She didn’t have to put that ‘!.’ That was a conscious choice by the framer—she’s interested, but she wants you to make the first move.” In a less reassuring argument, the justices pointed out what’s the worst that could really happen?

“This will not end well, dude,” answered the minority opinion, cosigned and re-upped by all four dissenting justices. In a hard break with their colleagues, the four justices adopted a far narrower read of the “thanks!” in her message. “A strict constitutionalist interpretation of the text tells us that she meant to say thank you for sending her the homework, and nothing more.” Deriding the exclamation point as merely incidental, they pointed out that if she intended her text to be flirtatious, she would have indicated as such. Plus, they cited precedent where you texted other girls before, and it has never worked out. “It is not our job to project a favorable analysis, it is our job to tell you if you have a shot or not. And I really don’t think you do, bro.”

The decision, announced by group text, opens the floodgates for almost endless litigation. What does the purple devil emoji mean, for example, is now making its way through appeals. All of this distracts you from actually doing your psych homework, which is now three months late.

At press time, she has declined to text you back. Clearly, she believes in a different legal philosophy and it has nothing to do with you.

Thank you for reading!