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Biden Begins Memorizing Names of 330 Million Americans

By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer

The Biden Administration has launched a bold first initiative, pledging that Joe Biden (D) will memorize the names of all 330,000,000 Americans.

“My number one goal as president will be to get to know each and every one of you folks,” said Mr. Biden in his inaugural speech. “And that starts with me knowing your name—no more hey yous when I’m president!” With this knowledge, Mr. Biden will be prepared to attend neighborhood barbecues, office parties, or just “throw the ball around” with any one of 330 million Americans at a moment’s notice. The name memorization effort will be a “critical” element of the Biden Presidency.

“No more hey yous when I’m president!”

Many progressives were hoping for a push for universal healthcare. Instead, Mr. Biden will personally call up every single American in his first term to ask them “how they’re holding up.” Additionally, Mr. Biden’s door is always open if you ever need to chat, sport.

Mr. Biden’s strategy, starting out with what he has called the “easy names,” has come under fire. The incoming administration announced great progress has already been made with “Joes, Jills, and Hunters” across the country but tougher names (like “Barack”) are “really slowing him down.” The administration also asks all Americans to donate their phone books, and if anyone has a Quizlet containing every name to please share the link with Mr. Biden so he doesn’t have to start from scratch. “My administration will work hard to eventually memorize the names of everyone, regardless of their race or sexual orientation,” said Mr. Biden, unveiling his ambitious civil rights agenda.

What else will be accomplished in the Biden Administration? At the rate Mr. Biden is going, he should have everyone’s name locked down by January 2025. Once that task is done, Mr. Biden can move on to other pressing issues, like memorizing everyone’s birthday. The new coronavirus stimulus bill includes giving every taxpayer one “heart to heart” chat with Mr. Biden that they can use at their discretion. “That’s all we’re asking for,” said the millions of unemployed Americans.

In return for completing this mammoth job, Joe Biden only hopes that you remember his name; a task that may prove difficult in the coming years. 

Thank you for reading!