The Inquirist Editorial Board
Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) proved a fatal lynchpin in the otherwise ceremonial electoral vote count on January 6th in the House of Representatives. His objection to Arizona’s electoral mandate inspired and tacitly condoned the violent raid on our capitol that proceeded throughout the day. The Inquirist finds this conduct reprehensible, and we formally disavow Ted Cruz.
To be clear, we had nothing to do with Ted Cruz in the first place. At no point did any of our staff have any association with him, ever. Nothing links us with the Republican senator, and we found out about his objection the same time everyone else did. We merely want to reiterate that we have nothing to do with Ted Cruz. Though there is already a great distance between us and him, we are undertaking a concerted effort to widen that distance even more.
We merely want to reiterate that we have nothing to do with Ted Cruz.
Ted Cruz has a reputation as a fierce debater, a conservative, and a man with presidential aspirations. This is all we can tell you about the senator, because we do not know him and never will. But his actions on January 6th make two things crystal clear: he is a total screwball, and a complete ding dong. We take no pleasure in reporting those hard facts to you. As such, we will be happy to go our whole lives without ever interacting with the Texan.
Our promise will not ring hollow. Any new hire at our institution must complete a background check, where we meticulously comb an applicant’s job history to see if they have ever been associated with Mr. Cruz. We are industry leaders—our anti-Cruz safeguards are some of the strictest of any workplace in the nation. Following the events that unfolded on the floor of the House of Representatives yesterday, we can commit to redoubling these efforts. As a precaution, we are requiring all interns to take an oath in front of a state court judge affirming that, under the penalty of perjury, they are not Ted Cruz (and never have been). While it is true that we accidentally hired him once, it was only for a couple of weeks, and he was fired when an eagle-eyed staff member noticed the error. We endeavor to not make the same mistake again, but nobody is perfect.
We are industry leaders—our anti-Cruz safeguards are some of the strictest of any workplace in the nation.
Since our founding in 2018, we have never been associated with Ted Cruz. And we’re incredibly proud to continue that legacy. In the future, it would be worth implementing a nationwide Ted Cruz warning system, not unlike an AMBER Alert (TED Texts, maybe?). Protecting democracy means publicly calling out wrongdoing and insulating our discourse from bad faith actors. We invite all Americans to also disavow Mr. Cruz, regardless of whether they know him or not. It is fun, easy, and free.
It is also the only moral option. ♦