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What’s in the COVID Relief Package?

By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer

Congress has passed a landmark COVID-19 bill intended to help everyday citizens through the crisis. What are the generous relief measures included? The Inquirist breaks it down here.

$600 check to every American:
$600 should be more than enough to cover a month’s rent, heating, and groceries for a family of four in 1957. The CARES act passed in March guaranteed $1,200, proving once again that any sequel is, at most, half as good as the original.

Emergency authorization for adults to order off kid’s menus across the nation:
In lieu of a direct stimulus to restaurants, this measure will increase business by allowing lower-income Americans to eat out. The authorization is set to expire in one month, so the IRS suggests getting mac n’ cheese orders in ASAP.

50 billion dollars to defense companies:
Just plain common sense.

20% off Bed Bath and Beyond coupon:
The bill includes a coupon generously knocking 20% off the purchase price of any single Bed Bath and Beyond coupon.

100-Grand (candy bar):
Fun size!

Free coronavirus vaccine:
*This, unfortunately, did not make it into the final text of the bill. Congress forgot about that, and they’re very sorry (an apology also did not make it in).

Two shiny nickels:
To be shared.

Thank you for reading!
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