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Town Holds Annual Rubik’s Cube Throwing Contest

By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer

The homespun town of Peatree, Pennsylvania held their annual “Rubik’s Cube Throwing Contest” last Thursday. Known as the “biggest contest surrounding Rubik’s cubes, besides solving them,” literally dozens of people did not attend, but other dozens of people did.

“I throwed it good!” announced Clareford Hartley, a Peatree resident who “throwed” the Rubik’s cube a full nine feet. Despite not coming close to winning, Hartley (who is recently divorced and on the prowl,) was proud of her limited effort. The town held a parade the day after, though not in her honor.

“It’s a great contest for people who love Rubik’s cubes, and want to compete, but can’t solve them,” said Waylon Mints, a judge for the throwing contest. Mints is a minor celebrity for holding the world record for longest Rubik’s cube solve (32 years and 55 days—and counting!) “I used to be an eight-year-old with an unsolved cube. Look at me now, I’m a 40-year-old who has done the first side—just five more to go! It shows anyone in America can succeed.” The contest was made significantly easier to judge when he began to “use his eyes” to “see” how far each contestant hurled their Rubik’s cube.

“I throwed it good!”

The Rubik’s company has repeatedly disowned the town tradition and has asked it to stop. “We normally love competitions,” the company wrote in an email. “But this feels really wrong. They’re doing it wrong.”

Competition was tough this year. Among the many entrants was Doug “Ruby” Rubik, a cousin of the eponymous inventor. “When my cousin showed me the cube for the very first time, I knew he had an amazing throwing cube on his hands,” says Rubik. “Unfortunately, he did not take my advice, and instead sold it as some kind of so-called ‘color puzzle.’ He could have had a hit if he’d listened to me. But these people get it.”

Frances Staint-Weeps, a butter churner at the local butter mill, was the favorite to win considering his churning hands were perfect for throwing cubes. “He’s the ‘Jackie Robinson’ of this sport,” said Wallace D’Stefano, a Rubiks cube-throw commentator. “I guess you could say I’m the ‘Babe Ruth’ of throwing Rubiks cubes,” Staint-Weeps remarked. In a shocking twist, Staint-Weeps wowed the assembled by throwing the cube totally blindfolded and in under ten seconds!

Who won? Who’s to say. The Inquirist did not have any onsite reporters, as no one wanted to go that far. We wish them, and the reader, the very best of luck.

Thank you for reading!
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