By Professor Sally Marginson | Guest Writer
The future: what does it hold? As a semi-professional futurist, it is something I think about when I take showers. My new book, The YOUture in FUTURE, predicts the top five technological breakthroughs we will enjoy by 2100. The entirety of the book is published below:
The Smell Standardizer 3000
Imagine you walk into your house. Usually there will be many different smells inside. Say, for instance, that your couch smells like leather, another thing in the kitchen smells like broccoli, and there is also dog poop on the rug, which of course smells like poop.
Well, believe it or not, one day there will be an invention that takes all of these different smells and combines them into the average of all those smells. Instead of smelling like leather, broccoli, and dog poop, your house will smell like all of those things combined. The Smell Standardizer 3000 will most likely be powered with AAA batteries, and I believe that everyone will be using them at dinner parties and Moroccan restaurants to unify the smells in the room. Personally, I can’t wait to use mine at the farmers market to make all of the fruits smell like one larger fruit.
Hoverboard USB Charger 3000
Every sci-fi freak has fantasized at some point about riding around town on a big, fancy hoverboard. But where would you charge it?
While I can’t guarantee a hoverboard will exist, we can be fairly sure you’ll be able to charge one. I blame the movies for this one; most movies never show the hoverboard being charged, even though that is the most exciting part in my opinion. It will be USB-compatible, wall adapter sold separately. Any schmuck can get a lame hoverboard, but only the cool kids will have the charger.
The Levitating Carrot 3000
By the year 2060, we will very possibly have carrots that can float off the ground. If you eat one for dinner, you better be careful your carrot doesn’t fly away first!
Just kidding. The levitating carrot, as great as it is, will only be able to levitate at a height of two to three inches maximum. Let’s be realistic here. But hey, at least you’ll never lose it! The levitating carrot will most likely require eight AAA batteries, in addition to a charging period of sixteen hours. I recommend that you time it just right, because the carrot will only last for a matter of seconds before it gently crashes back down onto your salad plate.
Glow-in-the-dark Solar Panels 3000
Millions of Americans have wasted perfectly good roof space on rectangular sheets of metal called solar panels, hoping that future generations will find a use for them. Ta-da! One day, decades (or centuries) from now, homeowners can uninstall their old solar panels and reinstall, at great expense, these glow-in-the-dark beauties. They will need to be hooked up to an external power source, like a coal generator or possibly a wind turbine for the eco-friendly crowd. Finally, a practical way to keep your roof radioactively green and visible at all times, not just sometimes.
Digital Steering Wheel 3000
We’re not reinventing the “wheel” here; we’re reinventing the STEERING wheel. The Digital Steering Wheel 3000 will preserve that familiar round shape your grandmother grew up with, without that pesky third dimension. Let’s be clear, this is no videogame. You could die—very easily! Trust me. Still, the digital steering wheel will be the hot new videogame, better than any Graham Theft Auto.
The unlabeled knobs will control speed, direction, and an AM radio for your entertainment (premium models only). This will not start out as a touch screen, but when the technology is invented, I’m sure the digisteer will be high up on the list.
If you liked what you read, you can read this entire article all over again in the format of a loose-leaf book which I will be selling, in the future.
Dictated to Ari Mostow and Nate Odenkirk. Artwork by Aidan Stadler, Nina Potischman, and Ari Mostow.