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Emergency Moron Control Taskforce Issues Quarantine Guidelines for Infectiously Stupid Americans

By Nathan Mostow | Staff Writer

In an emergency press conference this morning, the federal government’s Moron Control Taskforce enacted a strict “intellectual quarantine” for Americans displaying symptoms of acute stupidity.

“The national capacity for idiocy has already been exceeded,” warned a panicked team of experts. “We must limit exposure to the moron population before it overwhelms the whole system.”

The newly issued guidelines recommend “intellectual distancing” and PPE (personal protective earplugs) to reduce exposure to asinine neighbors, coworkers, and relatives. “When engaging with an ignoramus is unavoidable, intellectually distance yourself by at least six peer-reviewed sources,” the guidelines caution.

A patient displays severe idiocy symptoms.

The Moron Control experts pointed to alarming data tracking the spread of stupidity throughout the United States, including skyrocketing daytime talk show viewership, healing crystal sales, televangelism, and Q-Anon bumper stickers. “What’s really scary is that this condition is nearly impossible to self-diagnose,” officials explained.

They also urged Americans to avoid stupidity “superspreader” events, including anti-mask protests. “These are hotspots of misinformation and lunacy,” warned a senior official. “Attending these anti-restriction protests is extremely dangerous, intellectually speaking.”

While most cases of stupidity are mild, severe cases may have dire consequences, including financial loss and irreversible public humiliation. Extreme cases of stupidity may lead to hospitalization through comorbidities such as dirt bike riding, gun ownership, or fraternity hazing traditions.

At press time, the Moron Control Task Force had quarantined the entire One America Network.

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