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Breaking: He Didn’t Have It Already?

By Billy O’Handley | Staff Writer

This Sunday, the country was shocked to discover that Rudy Giuliani recently tested positive for the coronavirus, as opposed to having tested positive at least three months ago.

“Really? You’re telling me he didn’t get the coronavirus until now?” said close friend Paul Bornstein. “He spends his days with Donald Trump and likes to put things in his mouth to claim them as his own. I’m pretty sure I saw him asking people to cough on him at a rally. It’s honestly a medical marvel he hasn’t had it at least twice already.”

“It’s honestly a medical marvel he hasn’t had it at least twice already.”

Coronavirus researchers have flocked to Mr. Giuliani to see how his body has withstood the virus for this long. They found that COVID-10 particles had already been inside of Rudy Giuliani, but “Giuliani’s insides were too slimy for [COVID-19] to grab on to, so the virus just slid out.” On a related note, Giuliani’s body was found to have neither muscle nor fat; he is instead entirely made up of cartilage.

“I’m really worried for Rudy,” said Doctor Frances McCoy, a top expert in the field. “I just assumed that everything that he’s done in the past few months of his life was just a product of some sort of coronavirus-induced delirium. But if all of that was him in sound body and sound mind… God help us now.”

At press time, doctors still had no clue what caused ink to leak out of Giuliani’s head last week.

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