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Trump Orders Recount of Family Members

By Nate Odenkirk and Ari Mostow | Staff Writers

President Donald Trump’s family attorney Rudy Giuliani has formally requested a hand recount of the Trump family on behalf of the campaign. “The American people cannot have confidence in the official tally of Trump children, and that has grave parental consequences for this nation” the written request states.

For years, Donald Trump has alleged massive filial fraud, claiming without evidence that at minimum three of his offspring are not really his. In particular, Donald Trump Jr. has come under fierce scrutiny by the Trump legal team. “No way that one’s mine,” wrote the president. “The Democrats are getting away with total fraud, no weird sons (0) in my family!” For what it’s worth, the Democratic Party has stood by the call made by every major news network. The AP, The New York Times, NBC, and The Inquirist have all called Donald Jr., Eric, and even Barron for Trump’s column. “Look at the facts. He lost—none of his sons are cool. All of him is Donald Trump being a sore loser,” said Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “And a bad father.”

In particular, Donald Trump Jr. has come under fierce scrutiny by the Trump legal team.

At press time, it is unclear whether the president is genuinely hoping that his children are not his children, or if he simply desires to muddy the result out of fealty to his base, Ivanka and Jared.

Don Jr. and Eric released a joint statement, saying that “no fraud has taken place. I promise you, dad, we are your sons. Please accept this and move on.” The public memo to their father ended with two compliments and an admission that he is helping to Make America Great Again.

If the Trump campaign is successful in a recount, it will not likely lead to any consequential variation of the outcome. Recounts of family members rarely, if ever, meaningfully change the quality of the parent. “There may be a few Trump children in Pennsylvania and Arizona we don’t know about,” said Ken Bader, a Republican pollster. “But it’s not nearly enough to change the result.”

This is yet another unprecedented breach of decorum in the Trump years. Normally, presidents have graciously accepted the results of the family count, even when they are losers. In 1992, outgoing President George H.W. Bush conceded to Democrat Bill Clinton on election night that “Jeb and George are both my sons. It’s not the result Barb and I had hoped for, but I wish you and your family all the best going forward.”

Meanwhile, President-elect Joe Biden has happily accepted the initial count of offspring and has already set up a “transition team” to make plans to see a movie and go camping.

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