By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer
The Republican party claims it has found 230,000 instances of fradulent votes cast by people who have died from COVID-19. “Let me not mince words: this is an epidemic,” said Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX). “An epidemic of voter fraud,” he clarified.
The alleged voter fraud was committed when 236,000 Americans who died this year of the coronavirus supposedly voted. “We knew something was up when we saw these higher than normal death rates begin in March and April,” said Rudy Giuliani, a lawyer. “Really, it’s been right in front of us this whole time: voter fraud.” The GOP has pledged to get to the bottom of these deaths, and possibly press charges against the coronavirus for committing mass fraud. “Gross negligence on our part is not an excuse for voter fraud,” reminded the Republican National Committee. “It is a shame that these people died in the last eight months. It is a bigger shame that they are voting.”
“Gross negligence on our part is not an excuse for voter fraud.”
Republicans have accused Democrats of refusing to recognize the national emergency. “All they want to do is focus on the virus. That’s a red herring—the virus istelf is not a problem.” said Senator Cruz. “All we want from this process is to get an accurate vote count. If Trump loses, then we know it will have been from the fraud committed by the coronavirus.” Republicans believe that if the votes from those who died from the coronavirus were thrown out, the president would be reelected because of how good a job he did fighting the coronavirus.
“We in the Republican party care if your loved one dies… and then votes. We feel your pain,” said Ronna McDaniel, the Chairwoman of the Republican party. “If we knew all these dead people would be voting in the elections, we would have done something about the virus sooner.” On the preventative side, President Real Donald Trump has used the National Defense Act to authorize production of rapid testing, which will test cadavers to see if they have voted. “We will defeat the coronavirus IN COURT!” wrote the president on a popular social networking site he uses to feel better about himself.
The GOP-controlled Senate has found new zeal for tackling the scourge. They have empowered Dr. Anthony Fauci to develop a vaccine to stop people from voting, once they have died from the coronavirus. “At the end of the day, it comes down to election integrity,” said McDaniel. “If we stop the dead from voting, then maybe, just maybe, we can stop the disease. But let’s get our priorities straight.” ♦