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BREAKING: Biden Wins Whatever is Left of Presidency

By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer

> Democratic nominee Joe Biden has defeated incumbent Donald Trump for the role of ‘president,’ whatever that still happens to mean.

The Inquirist IQ Decision Desq™ projects Joe Biden has 273 electoral college votes, more than enough to begin picking up the scraps of what is left. “No one really knows what the hell we’re supposed to do, or even what we can do,” said Miles Cowen, a member of Biden’s transition team. “After the last guy, it’s all sort of out the window. As president, Joe will have the unabridged power to… I don’t know, be interviewed? Hold rallies? Watch TV? At least those three things. Maybe more, we’ll find out.”

joe biden

The office of the presidency has been warped in an unprecedented manner over the last four years, to a point where the title may be a detriment to Biden’s relatively solid standing with the general public. “For all we know, Biden has more power not being the president,” said Mary Phillips, a senior analyst at 70 years old. “Think about it: if the president tweeted that there was a tsunami about to hit your area, you wouldn’t care. But if some guy on the street ran around soaking wet and screamed ‘EVACUATE! TSUNAMI INCOMING!’ you would probably run inland. Right now, Joe Biden is the hysterical area man, but soon he’ll have some real credibility problems with the American people.”

“For all we know, Biden has more power not being the president”

Already, some powers of the presidency are becoming clear to Mr. Biden and his team. It is confirmed that he will be referred to as “Mr. President” and he will have to work somewhere in the White House, possibly in a round room. What that work is, or even if it makes a difference, is yet to be seen. They are not alone in this mystery, apparently. When the transition team reached out to the Trump Administration for guidance, they directed them to a webpage that turned out to simply be the google search results for “what does president do 2020?” After further needling, the Trump White House finally released a memo detailing what it believed to be the full and complete list of presidential duties:

  1. Pointing (both hands)
  2. Wearing unfriendly-looking baseball caps
  3. “Judges”
  4. Tanning obligations

On January 20th, 2021, Joe Biden will assume the office of the president—and with it, whatever duties and powers are still hanging around by then. Only the wispy husk of the Executive Branch survives, a far cry from the full cob of corn it was just four years ago. One thing’s for sure: he’ll have a lot of TV to catch up on.

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