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Arizona Excited to Slip Back Into Irrelevance After Election

By Ari Mostow | Staff Writer

Arizona’s Sonoran Desert is the only place on earth where the iconic saguaro cactus grows. In just a couple of days, fun facts like this will slip into blissful unimportance when the key swing state will once again be neither “key” nor “swing.” As one in a handful of states that could tip the scale of the 2020 election, Arizona is at the center of the national spotlight until literally Tuesday.

“I can’t wait to stop hearing about my boring state all the time,” said Tempe businessman Tom Hetherman. “Every time I turn on the TV to see news stories about more interesting places, they just keep talking about Arizona. It sucks!” A Flagstaff resident, Cary Moroon, felt similarly annoyed by all the unwanted attention. Moroon, who has received numerous phone calls begging her to vote and personally met both Trump and Biden during their campaign stops – complained that she gets “all these butterflies” in her stomach from everyone treating her like a celebrity. “All these ‘phone bankers’ keep calling me and telling me how special I am, and I’m like omg, stop it guys you’re making me blush!” Neither Hetherman nor Moroon have decided whether they will vote yet.

One man who especially can’t wait to get back under the radar is Arizona’s governor, Doug Ducey. “Man almighty, I can’t get a moment’s rest these days,” he lamented. “Everybody’s started calling me ‘Governor’ all the sudden, asking for my opinion and all that. I actually have to go to the office now! And I have meetings… heck, I even had to set up my iCal.” Worst of all, sources report that Governor Ducey has had to start wearing collared shirts because people will occasionally take pictures of him for local newspapers.

All the attention given to Arizona by the media and political campaigns has also led to a sharp uptick in tourists, even in the parts of Arizona that aren’t the Grand Canyon. “We normally just have three main tourist destinations here,” said Cindy Harris of the Arizona State Tourism Board. “The Grand Canyon, Phoenix International Airport, and the road between the Grand Canyon and the Phoenix International Airport. But now, tourists are going to places like Phoenix. Really? Phoenix??”

Residents and state officials are taking solace in the hopes that the election, no matter the result, their fine state will once again return to relative obscurity in the national conversation, reappearing only when someone falls into the Grand Canyon. Once the four-year snooze clock of democracy gives Arizona some peace and quiet, the state plans to take a long, long nap.

Thank you for reading!