By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer
One week after the body of local trampoline repairman Fred Torres, 27, was discovered, autopsy results have conclusively showed that he had a “weird penis.” “The report from the state crime lab confirms what we suspected all along, and it blows this murder case wide open,” said Sheriff Spring, the lead investigator on the Torres murder. “I’ve been on the force for 16 years, and I’ve seen a lot of weird penises. But this one may be the weirdest yet. You see a lot of murders, too.”
Details about the incident are hazy. According to the official timeline of the tragic incident, Torres got his strange looking penis 27 years ago at birth. Then, he was murdered last week. “We believe the victim was caught up in a mugging gone wrong, as indicated by his missing wallet and phone,” remarked Spring. “It does not appear to have been a killing motivated by the victim’s weird penis, but we cannot rule anything out at this time.” Authorities are on the lookout for a potential weird penis serial killer, as this is the third murder this year of a man with strange penis. “It’s almost too many to be a coincidence at this point,” the report speculated.
“It does not appear to have been a killing motivated by the victim’s weird penis, but we cannot rule anything out at this time.”
The penis in question, described by some as a kite-shaped, was discovered fully attached to Torres’ dead body on the morning of October 5th. EMTs were quickly called to the scene where the victim was officially declared to have a strange penis, and dead. Torres appeared to have suffered from a gunshot wound to the chest, but x-ray imagery shows no apparent damage to the penis region. “Thankfully, the penis escaped unharmed,” remarked Spring.
To confirm the identity of the dead body, morticians sent detailed pictures of the victim’s penis to the family, which they subsequently confirmed that it was both a weird penis and belonging to Torres. For good measure, authorities have also sent the pictures to Torres’ high school crushes and Ted McElroy, his elementary school bully.
The authorities are no closer to solving the actual murder. Since the “weird penis” lead has seemingly evaporated, investigators are left with just blood samples, hair samples, two eyewitness accounts, and a high-resolution headshot of the prime suspect. However, police say they have purchased seven billboards around town that will be plastered with images of his penis in hopes that someone will recognize it and submit a “tip.” “I will not rest until Torres gets some justice,” said a stern Sheriff Spring. “For being murdered, and for having a weird dick.”
If you would like to see a picture of the penis, the police department is making high-res images freely available to the public. ♦