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Pence Excited to Say ‘Of Biblical Proportions’

By Nate Odenkirk, Nathan Mostow, and Ari Mostow | Staff Writers

At tonight’s vice-presidential debate, advisors to Mike Pence (R) say he is looking forward to saying the phrase “of biblical proportions.” “He’s been sitting on this one since 2016,” said a source close to the vice president.

The hyperbolic idiom “of biblical proportions” typically refers to large scale deadly consequences resulting from poor choices. In that regard, Trump has made the phrase very easy to use. “Mike is going to have a field day, it would work with any issue that has arisen over the last four years,” said an advisor. Multiple meetings in the vice president’s office have taken place in the last few months over how and when to use the phrase. “Mike hasn’t had time to worry about other things, like the coronavirus,” said one source with direct knowledge of the meetings. “He’s familiar with the coronavirus only as a vehicle for the phrase in tonight’s debate, otherwise it’s of no importance to him. You have to understand, he almost never comes up with fun things to say so when he does, he goes nuts.”

Multiple meetings in the vice president’s office have taken place in the last few months over how and when to use the phrase.

Pence is said to have come up the phrase after realizing that it is totally “his brand.” It would come at a time when a pick-me-up like this is sorely needed. The Trump campaign has been lagging behind Biden in polls, and Pence is starting to come down from the euphoric high he got in 2018, when he last made a joke. Already, a yard sign is said to be in development, with the words “TRUMP/PENCE 2020: OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS.” When asked for comment, the vice president’s office pointed to his past track record of accomplishments:

“Vice President Mike Pence has worked hard over the last four years to come up with things to say to the American people. Tonight’s debate will be no different.”

Pence has inundated his friend and family with overtures to “tune in tonight,” because “I have a really cool thing planned. You will be blown away with this joke,” wrote the unusually enthusiastic vice president in a mass text obtained by The Inquirist. No one has yet responded.

The debate tonight, like all others, will be about who controls the narrative. The Democrats have been assertive with a far-fetched argument that the Trump Administration is directly responsible for well over 200,000 deaths and a failure of leadership. Mike Pence on the other hand will be hitting back hard with the phrase “of biblical proportions,” and maybe even a cheeky reference to the old Testament story, Jonah and The Whale, if things get really heated.

Thank you for reading!