By The Inquirist Editorial Board
A day after testing positive for Kung Flu (known to virologists as “COVID-19”), President Trump has already received an outpouring of well-wishes from millions of laughing Americans.
“He is my president, and I hope he recovers quickly,” said Reese Pine, a frontline essential worker from Lawrence, Kansas with a smile. “This is a devastating disease,” he remarked as he high-fived a friend.
Government officials were equally sympathetic. “What an unfortunate, totally unpreventable occurence,” said a smug Dr. Anthony Fauci. “I hope President Trump gets better so that he can come up with other names for the Kung Flu. Where would I be without those nicknames?” he asked, beaming. “The president has taken every precaution and listened to our advice— excuse me, I’m not laughing, I’m, uh, clearing my throat.” Dr. Fauci later clarified that “laughter is the body’s natural response to any sad, ironic, hilarious event. I assure you, I am very, very sorry to hear this.” Dr. Fauci then took the rest of the day off.
News of the president’s diagnosis has been met with well wishes from other world leaders. “I sincerely hope President Trump recovers from the Kung Flu,” said President Xi Jinping of China. “I mean it.” Many African leaders showed their sympathy as well. “As leaders of shithole countries, we wish the president only the best of health,” read a letter of good will signed by all 54 African nations. President Zelensky of Ukraine offered his own words of encouragement, saying that he hopes “Mr. Trump will do us all a favor and get well soon.” The president of Mexico offered to pay for a wall, around the White House.
The fallout from this tragic news is severe. Already, hundreds of Americans are experiencing symptoms that include cracking up, excessive discharges of sarcasm, and feeling sharp pangs of irony. To prevent the spread of this new virus, doctors suggest a period of self-quarantine for up to 14 days, so you can come up with as many jokes as possible. ♦