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Trump Pledges to Nominate Conservative Baby to Supreme Court

By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer

Bowing to pressure from Republicans who wish to appoint a young jurist who can influence court decisions for decades, Trump has confirmed his intent to nominate an infant to the Supreme Court. “No one older than five, ideally,” said the president. “I am consulting with the daycare centers at the Heritage Foundation and Federalist Society to pick a principled, originalist baby. Someone who will protect our Second Amendment, stand for life, and has very chubby, pinchable cheeks.”

The hunt for a suitable candidate is on, says Senate Majority Leader and fun person to be around Mitch McConnell (R-KY). “Since I do not spend any time with my grandkids, these confirmation hearings are a great chance for me to see younger people. If we appoint a young, principled baby, we will change the nature of the court for generations.” He continued that the young justice should conform to strict interpretations of the law, and have a 7 p.m. bedtime, max.

“I am consulting with the daycare center at the Heritage Foundation and Federalist Society to pick a principled, originalist baby.”

Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s legacy as a feminist champion and trailblazer for women in law practice has prompted calls from Democrats to hold off confirming a nominee until after the election. Republicans see this as a nonstarter, because by then any infant they consider now will be far too old to confirm after November 3rd. They further cited the precedent of putting a baby in judges robes, which is very cute. “Democrats are trying to obstruct a perfectly qualified and adorable toddler to the Supreme Court,” said McConnell as he held up mini judge’s robes. “We’ve already bought the robes. It’s too late now.”

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Once confirmed, the baby justice will be enrolled in originalist-themed Mommy n’ Me (Mitch n’ Me) classes, which consist of McConnell playing round-the-clock political attack ads from Koch Industries. Occasional breaks are taken for the Senate Majority Leader’s puppet show explaining how Hamilton’s Federalist Papers can be used to justify socially conservative jurisprudence. Named the “worst puppet show in existence,” it combines droll legal philosophy with the Senate leader’s attempt to do different fun voices.

Already, there are signs of defections from Senate Republicans who are weary about putting toddlers on the nation’s highest court. “What leader McConnell is doing is completely indefensible,” said Senator and life of the party Ted Cruz (R-TX). “Appointing someone who is four, five years old is ridiculous strategy. What we should be doing is nominating babies who are still in the womb. That way, they will stay on the court for a very, very long time. One would imagine that in-utero judges would be hostile to Roe, as well.”

The high-octane battle that will consume Washington in the coming weeks is likely to be contentious, and extremely adorable. Democrats will no doubt scrutinize any babies brought up for consideration for past statements or positions. Any nominee can expect to be grilled on their knowledge of legal precedent, and the alphabet. If confirmed, they would be the only second baby nominated to the Supreme Court, after Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

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