By Ari Mostow and Nathan Mostow | Staff Writers
YUCAIPA, CA – According to the California Department of Forestry and Fire Protection, a massive wildfire sparked by a gender reveal party has left two thousand declared dead, and one declared a boy.
As of this morning, authorities have evacuated forty-seven counties and have begun decorating the nursery with dinosaurs, trucks, and a fresh coat of blue paint. “We’re expecting the fire to spread north up the Yucaipa Ridge,” said Governor Gavin Newsom in an emergency announcement. “We’re also expecting a wonderful little baby boy.”
As smoke from the fire spreads across the country, neighboring states have been quick to congratulate the expecting parents. “Thank you for including us in your celebrations,” tweeted Illinois governor J.B. Pritzker as a suffocating haze darkened the Chicago sky. “Don’t forget to invite us to the baptism!”
This latest fire marks a sharp recent increase in wildfires and childbirths along the California coast. While Democrats have cited it as an example of climate change, Republicans have countered that when a mommy and daddy love each other very much, it’s natural for sparks to fly.
At press time, the parents had just placed an order for seven hundred fireworks to detonate at the name reveal party next month.♦