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Biden Assures Supporters He ‘Probably Won’t Die’ Before Election

By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer

Seeking to alleviate concerns that the 78-year-old could die weeks before the election, Democratic nominee Joe Biden assured supporters that it likely won’t happen. “I probably won’t die, there is nothing to worry about,” said Biden at a virtual fundraiser. “Look, ten, fifteen percent chance you wake up between now and November 3rd to find out that I passed for some reason or another. It’ll be fine. Worry about it a little, though.”

In addition to the threat of a global pandemic that disproportionately affects senior citizens, Biden could also trip, or get cancer, or really anything from the laundry list of things that old people die from. “Right now, the Joe Biden is staying on message,” said Dr. Drew Poser, Biden’s physician. “He’s hammering Trump on the sluggish economy, lax oversight, and Biden is still breathing regularly. This is good. All we need to do is keep this going for eight more weeks. Dear lord,” he said, finishing his prayer.

While both President Trump and Joe Biden are both historically old nominees, Trump has not received nearly the same level of scrutiny on this issue. Trump may have shocked the political establishment in 2016 by winning the presidency, but he has been shocking the medical world by continuing to live every year since the early 1940s. “Biden is, for the most part, a normal person,” said Dr. Poser. “An old person, but a normal person.” Trump, on the other hand, has openly taunted death at his rallies, daring the grim reaper to claim his body. “I’ve met death, you know, I know him,” Trump claimed at one of his rallies last year. “I told him ‘you’re not gonna get me for a long time’ and death stood there, and he just nodded. I’ll tell you what folks, if he comes for me, I’m gonna sue the crap out of him.”

When asked for comment, Biden clarified that he was not promising to stay alive by any means necessary. “What I meant to say was that I will work across the aisle, with Republicans and Democrats, to not die.” Biden has resisted pressure from the liberal wing of the party to make staying alive an explicit part of the platform, calling it a “socialist pipe dream” that will “never happen.”

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