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Trump Remembers 9/11, Woman, Man, Camera, TV

By Ari Mostow, Nathan Mostow, & Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writers

Trump puts aides on tightrope with proposal for nomination acceptance speech at White House

In a solemn ceremony today on the White House Lawn, Donald Trump remembered the September 11th attacks, woman, man, camera, and TV. “Those who perished, man, camera, woman, TV,” Trump proudly repeated to families of victims. “I will never forget this unspeakable tragedy, even though I saw the pictures of it 19 years ago. It was a very difficult test for our country — and I passed it with a perfect score. Most people just remember 9/11, and maybe the brave men and women. But they don’t remember person, camera, or TV.”

The president further dazzled the mourners by counting backwards from 911 by increments of 7 with the assistance of a teleprompter.

“It was a very difficult test for our country — and I passed it with a perfect score.”

According to White House officials, those in attendance were “very impressed” with the president’s mental acuity. “I’d like to see how the liberal mainstream media could possibly twist this story to make President Trump look bad,” said Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany.

Nevertheless, the ceremony did not go entirely without a hitch. The president declined to identify pictures of elephants out of arrays of animal photos, instead opting to save that one for the Pearl Harbor ceremony in a couple months. 

Later today, the president will dedicate a new memorial to the victims: a sculpture of a man and a woman watching TV and holding cameras. “Now we’ll never forget,” said Trump. “I didn’t even need the statue, I just thought it would be nice.”

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