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Barron Trump Releases Tell-all

By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer

In a shocking move, President Trump’s 12-year-old son Barron Trump turned in a riveting tell-all essay to his fifth-grade class. Students in Ms. Spaulding’s homeroom were told to write a 350-word short essay about how they admire their dad. Appropriately titled “My Father,” it offers a new look at the embattled Administration from one of its most personal confidants. “This is a huge blow to Trump, he’s very upset” said Sam Nunberg, an informal advisor to the president. “He really trusted Barron—that kid knows where the skeletons are buried.”

The essay contains insights into Trump’s daily schedule, including the prescient observation that “My dad wakes up every day at 7 am, he is definitley [sic] an early riser.” House Democrats, who have tried to subpoena the tween in the past, will use these incriminating details to tie the president with what they see as poor fathering skills. “These documents submitted by Barron are revealing. They show a president who says he loves his son, but doesn’t really care at the same time,” said Representative and family therapist Adam Schiff (D-CA). “You can’t really impeach for that, but Trump needs to step up to the job and be a better father.” While the essay includes mostly benign and already known details, like how his father prefers Diet Coke, or plays golf, it is being treated as a major bombshell report.

“He really trusted Barron—that kid knows where the skeletons are buried.”

Pushback from the president and his allies has been swift and severe. Donald Trump was quick to disassociate himself, admitting Barron “is a son of mine, I know him” but that “I haven’t spoken to him in years. He’s no angel, I will tell you that.” On twitter, Donald Trump threatened to retaliate against his son. “Maybe its tiem [sic] the world knew about BT’s crushes, there are many!!” wrote the father.

Other Republican leaders backed up Donald Trump on the social media platform. “Donald, I wish you were my father,” wrote Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC). On his radio show, Donald Trump ally Sean Hannity blasted Barron as a “deep state hack” who “donated to Hillary.” In submitting his essay, Barron broke the terms of his NDA, and will almost certainly face legal consequences from the Trump Organization and get an earful at dinner tonight.

Barron Trump adds his name to a growing list of former associates, politicians, and advisors that have written scathing tell-all books about the president. At the time of writing, over 5,000 have come out, with a new one every three hours. All that precedent may not have helped Barron much, though: sources allege little Barron received a B- on his essay, with a note admonishing him to work on his topic sentences. ♦

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