By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer
The Republican National Convention has released its list of speakers for the 2020 convention. Among its highest profile guests, a loud smoke detector that has been going off nonstop since July 2015 landed a primetime 45-minute slot and will be introduced by Donald Trump Jr. “We’re all so excited to hear the loud smoke detector’s energetic buzzing,” said Ronna McDaniel, the GOP chairwoman. “It was far and away the most requested speaker, and it was the best we could get.”
The smoke detector, which has emitted an ear-shattering bleep every minute for almost five years now, has become a favorite on the right. “There’s just something about the constant, thought-interrupting pings that the Trump base just can’t get enough of. And the red light is mesmerizing,” said Mandy Cream, a Republican delegate. Ms. Cream is referring to a small red LED light affixed to the detector that flashes intermittently and has captured the hearts and minds of Republican voters. Its popularity led to speculation that it could replace Mike Pence on the ticket, or even run for office in 2024, as long as “no one replaces the battery.”
Though details have yet to be announced, it is expected to speak on immigration and evacuation procedure, both hot button topics in the 2020 race. “The smoke detector knows we are in crisis, that’s why it’s beeping” said Grip Varbis, the Republican Committee’s treasurer. “It cuts through all the noise with a clear message to our party: ‘get out of the room, immediately. To vote.’“
Some in the party had hoped that the smoke detector would change its tone to be slightly less irritating in an effort to court moderates. However, it has given no indication that it will do anything other than fire up the base with an unrelenting torrent of chirps.
Another rising star in the GOP is expected to make waves at the convention. The closing prayer will be led by a small rock stuck in your shoe, who is running for Senate in Alabama. ♦