By The Inquirist Editorial Board
Every four years, our esteemed body of journalists gather in a small, windowless room to throw our support behind one of the two major party candidates for president. Our criteria is singular: we will enthusiastically endorse whichever nominee did not say “kung flu.”
We are proud to employ a consistent, objective formula—since 1976, we have used the “Kung Flu Test” exclusively. The Inquirist believes the candidate’s decision to say “kung flu” (and, by extension, the other candidate’s decision to not say it) cuts through the partisan quagmire and tells us everything we need to know about the nominees. Specifically, they directly inform the three most important metrics in assessing a potential president: it speaks to relevant political experience, their leadership ability, and self-control to not say the words “kung flu.”
Our criteria is singular: we will enthusiastically endorse whichever nominee did not say “kung flu.”
This brings us to 2020. The usual ruckus of campaign season has been muted by the scourge of the pandemic. The two nominees, Republican Donald Trump and Democrat Joe Biden, have been forced to focus their campaign on the coronavirus. Despite these uncertain times, The Inquirist was able to undertake an extensive investigation, consisting of Google searches and basic memory recall, to inform our decision. Our research has yielded a damning conclusion: Donald Trump said “kung flu,” while Joe Biden did not. Thus, we are proud to endorse Joe Biden for the President of the United States.
Mr. Biden has served as Vice President for eight years and was a senator from Delaware for 38 before that. His obvious accolades aside, we could not find one instance in his public life where Mr. Biden said “kung flu.” On the flip side, Mr. Trump used the term multiple times over the last few weeks, and we believe has been dying to insert it into everyday conversation, an obviously disqualifying track record.
While our influence over the American electorate is great, history has shown an Inquirist endorsement by itself does not guarantee a win. We will forever regret throwing our support to Gary Johnson in 2016. Yet Vice President Biden at this point retains a significant and consistent lead over Mr. Trump in the polls, and we believe he is best positioned to win if he continues with the time-tested strategy of not saying “kung flu.”
Mr. Trump used the term multiple times over the last few weeks… an obviously disqualifying track record.
This election, like nearly all in American history, presents an imperfect binary choice. The winner will confront a world on fire, and unrest at home. But before these monumental challenges can be considered, we must first ask ourselves the most fundamental question in American politics, the Kung Flu Test: Which one of them said “kung flu?” And did they say it a lot?
Mr. Biden passes that test with flying colors. He is ready to lead. ♦