By Jeff B. | Guest Writer
Hi, my name is Jeff B. I recently came into some money through a little company I created. We sell mostly pencil erasers, and everything else. So I decided to take up a hobby. I think it is important for my employees to see that their boss is “like them.” That I am just one of the guys, a real down to earth dude, a “human” who doesn’t believe he’s “God.”
Unfortunately, I don’t do many “fun things,” as my voracious personality leads me to quickly master activities and grow tired of them. I finally settled on hunting, which was fun for a while. But I now prefer to hunt a more challenging game — a “most dangerous game.”
Which for legal purposes I am required to clarify is “elk/domestic fowl.”
I am looking for an athletic man who takes instruction without question. A determined worker willing to spend long hours in the outdoors. Preferably single, with no family who might come looking for him. Twist my arm, I am willing to grant up to THREE bathroom breaks a day (my other employees will be SO jealous).
Long, flowing hair is preferable in a candidate. It is more easily visible to my hunting drones, which will be joining us on our hunts. I call them the Bullet Emission & Zonal Extermination System (B.E.Z.O.S for short). Their algorithm avoids anyone with a shiny, **intentionally bald head. Any damage caused to The BEZOS drones by the applicant (in hypothetical self-defense or otherwise) will result in all future Amazon Orders being replaced with boxes of shrimp. And a loss of Prime privileges.
Looking like my father is also a plus, but that’s a whole other can of worms.
No need to sign any waivers. All of this is included in Amazon’s Terms of Service, which you no doubt have read and agreed to already. In the event of the candidate’s death or dismemberment, all funeral arrangements must be made through the AMAZONTM E-Mortuary. AMAZON VIDEO also retains rights to your experiences with me, in case it’s interesting enough for a four-part mini series tentatively called “Jeff.” We are trying to pitch it to Netflix, but they are not answering their phone!
- Begging (only upon request. Otherwise, PLEASE don’t)
- Rancor pit maintenance
- First Aid Self-Application
- Tenacious will to survive, even at the cost of abandoning human dignity (company policy)
- Call me “Jefe”
You will love this job IF:
- You love reduced rates on all your Amazon purchases
- You will ideally not love this job. I should add “not loving this job” to the above list
My generous compensation includes free Amazon Prime for a month (not including the free trial period) and an Audible eBook with code “JEFF.”
Contact Sheila at the following number:
I look forward to hunting [with] you! ♦
Keenan Odenkirk has never hunted before, but he tried Shuffleboard once and thought it was fine.