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Local Man Mourns Loss of Cell Phone Containing Rich Tapestry of Personal Journey and Development

By Tristan Odenkirk | Guest Writer 

Smoothie kiosk worker Devin Connors faced a matter of existential dread last Saturday, when his smartphone met its tragic end in what was later described as a “unfortunate pissing-while-texting incident.” The 20-year-old despaired over some two years’ worth of text messages, notes app notes, and photos not yet uploaded to the cloud “now lost, like bread to the ducks” he said.

What makes this loss especially devastating is the long personal history between Devin and his phone. Connors received the device as a birthday gift in his junior year of high school, meaning that among the lost data was content such as: several incomplete rap verses that he was definitely going to finish soon, footage from a Greta Van Fleet concert in 2018 (which friends of Devin recalled as being “shaky at best”), years old conversations with high school girlfriend Caitlyn Berry (which Devin still likes to scroll through on occasion, despite being “over” her), and at least three illegally downloaded Dr. Dre albums.

As to the legitimate value of his lost content, Connors poetically stated, “What price can one put on their personal experience of existence itself? But, also, 300 dollars.” The greatest loss of all, Connors says, was “the treasure trove of brilliant ideas stewing in the notes app, which will now never see their full potential.” Among the planned projects Devin was able to recall following the incident were a “taxes app that does your taxes for you,” sunglasses that glow in the dark, and a potential parlor trick which he described as “five finger fillet but with a hammer.” Embarrassingly, sources have confirmed that Connors came up with all of these ideas while 100% sober.

> Among the planned projects Devin was able to recall following the incident were a “taxes app that does your taxes for you”

The lasting impact on Connors’ life does not end with the loss of his uniquely ingenious ideas. No longer able to contact Uber via his device, Devin has been forced to walk to and from work every day, as he considers free public transportation to be “gross.” Experts say other challenges facing Connors will include regularly communicating through Facebook Messenger, not being able to immediately Google things, and having to send nudes through the Photo Booth app on his laptop (while resisting the natural urge to use the “chipmunk” filter). At this time, Devin says his main focus is surviving in this barren, phone-less world until Tuesday, when his parents can drive him to the AT&T store to get a new one. ♦

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