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Trump COVID Taskforce to Receive Cool Nametags

By Nate Odenkirk & Nathan Mostow | Staff Writers

The Trump administration’s Coronavirus Taskforce took a major stride last Wednesday by announcing that all team members will receive cool personalized nametags. “These nametags are the latest sign that we are taking this pandemic seriously,” said a taskforce member whose nametag read “Jared K.”

nametag closeup

As the American death toll from COVID-19 has blown past 150,000, the public has clamored for drastic steps to be taken. “We can’t work together if we don’t know each other’s names,” said “Mike P.,” another member of the taskforce. For months, the Trump Administration lagged greatly in nametag production, only making two nametags, both of which had typos. After intense lobbying from taskforce members, the Trump Administration allowed nametags to also feature fun icons from the “webdings” catalogue. “The president is committed to adding flare and pizzaz to these nametags” said Mike P. “Look, I got a hospital van and a spicy pepper on mine!” With the nametags, Mike P. explained, the taskforce can roll up their sleeves and start planning logistics and float designs for the Coronavirus Triumph Military Parade.

The taskforce can roll up their sleeves and start planning logistics and float designs for the Coronavirus Military Triumph Parade.

Indeed, the taskforce is already yielding important new discoveries. “We had no idea that Dr. Fauci went by ‘Tony,’” said senior taskforce member Eric T., proudly sporting a customized gold nametag worth the value of twelve COVID stimulus checks. “This is a huge breakthrough.”

Despite the influx of nametags, many in the administration have expressed skepticism of the efficacy of nametags. Most prominently, President Donald T. has consistently neglected to wear his nametag in public places, sewing doubt on the broad scientific consensus that nametags increase the chance of someone knowing your name. “We’re making incredible nametags, nametags for everyone,” said the president. “I’m totally all for nametags, but I don’t need to wear one… look. Everyone knows my name; she knows my name. You know my name,” said the president as he pointed to Melania T., who declined to comment. ♦

Thank you for reading!