By Nate Odenkirk | Staff Writer
Longstanding polling and cultural sentiments show that Republicans, Democrats, and independents alike are perpetually dissatisfied with American democracy. How can we fix this all-encompassing problem?
Much ink has been spilled in pursuit of an elusive answer. After much thought, I would like to throw my idea tree into the public discourse woodchipper.
Quite simply, I believe every citizen should have their own president.
The benefits of this plan are almost too many to list. Americans who feel like their vote doesn’t matter will suddenly perk up when now that they are 100% of the electorate. Their president could be anyone: a friend, a grandma, a foreign exchange student, you name it. While national campaigns rarely touch on issues you care about, having a personalized federal administration would make politics hyper-relevant. Presidential debates would cover topics like what to do for dinner tonight, whether you should tell that offensive but hilarious joke in your head, or even trying to remember if you are out of toilet paper. Isn’t that more helpful?
To test my theory, I elected my friend Ari Mostow to be my president. His administration quickly set new policies, like me waking up before 3p.m. and not eating everything in his pantry when I came over (this was ruled unconstitutional by me). I Venmo’d Robert Mueller twenty dollars to launch an investigation into the Mostow Administration’s birthday policy, as I had credible evidence that Ari didn’t invite me to his birthday, which isn’t cool at all. The tip turned out to be true, and after Mueller’s special surprise birthday council exposed Ari’s web of lies in a 500-page dossier, I had him removed from office for not inviting me to his birthday party. Within just 72 hours, I had impeached my friend. This is what accountability and good governance looks like.
The many constitutional scholars reading this article are sure to note an obvious flaw in my plan: what would happen to the Electoral College? I thought of that, too. An intricate series of coin flips would take place after you cast your vote, and the result of those coin flips would determine who gets to be your president. This preserves the randomness of the Electoral College our forefathers envisioned, plus it would make for A+ television.
Within just 72 hours, I had impeached my friend.
With all that being said, I would like to formally announce my candidacy for the president of you. I’m not a career politician. When I saw the rampant corruption going on in Ari Mostow’s presidency, I realized we sorely need to bring integrity back into our democratic system. This November vote for courage. Take a stand against your friends who are also running and elect an outsider for once. Together, we’ll send a message to Washington that every single American should have their own president.
Nate Odenkirk: He’ll always invite you to his birthday. ♦