By Quentin Tarantino | Famous Director
“Quentin’s Qorner” is an opinion column by award-winning director Quentin Tarantino. The Inquirist does not endorse the contents of this article and urges Quentin to seek psychiatric treatment.
HOLLYWOOD, BABY— Man, I was really hoping to sit this one out, but it looks like people are still pissed about all this racial stuff. If racism was a movie, it would have one hell of a runtime!
I really thought I fixed racism with Django Unchained back in 2012, but I’m not surprised that the movie didn’t have as strong an impact on many people — even though I begged and pleaded for cinemas to screen the movie on 70mm film, the big theater chains opted for digital because it was “so much more cheap and practical.” Sure enough, man, it looks like the digital version didn’t have as strong an effect on the audience as the 70mm version would have, because everyone is still up in arms over this racism crisis.
Until we can re-release Django nationwide on 70mm film, we’ll have to find another way to solve racism. Fortunately I’m an idea machine, man. You want to fix race relations? The answer is simple: I will cast every African-American man, woman, and child in my next movie, provided they all take karate lessons.
I’ll figure out the rest later.
I know what you’re thinking: “Of course! It’s so obvious now that you mention it, Quentin!” Right now in this country, the problem is that a lot of people and institutions have prejudices toward African-Americans. When you look at all my movies, you see that karate always brings great respect and social status. Remember Once Upon a Time in Hollywood? In that movie, Brad Pitt is a cool stuntman who hangs out on a cool Hollywood movie set. Then, karate man Bruce Lee starts talking trash to Brad in front of a bunch of other cool people on the cool Hollywood movie set.* It’s 1969, we’re in Hollywood — what a cool place to be, man. Brad uses karate on Bruce Lee, and then he goes on to win an Oscar. If more African-Americans knew karate, I could put them in my movies and they could all win Oscars. Problem solved.
I will need the African-American community and the karate sensei community to meet me halfway.
Nobody is prejudiced against Oscar winners. Oscars are super cool! But I will need the African-American community and the karate sensei community to meet me halfway. I would be willing to personally teach karate to as many African-Americans as I can. My karate lessons would be so cool. First of all, there would be GUNS. They should kickbox, too, but only after they’ve emptied their clips while shouting HI-YAH, MOTHERFUCKER! I’ll figure out the rest later.
If you can do karate, I can make you a star. Based on the estimated runtime of my next feature film, I should be able to squeeze in a decent karate scene for all forty-three million African-Americans in this country. And that movie will definitely be shown on 70mm. ♦
*Addendum: I know Brad Pitt and Bruce Lee personally. While I cannot pick a favorite, both guys have said that I’m their favorite director.
Nathan Mostow and Nate Odenkirk received their purple belts after karate chopping through a 35-mm reel of Jackie Brown while shouting HI-YAH, MOTHERFUCKER!