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New Baseball Season Begins for MLB Teams, Baltimore Orioles

By Billy O’Handley and Nathan Mostow | Staff Writers

Today marks Major League Baseball’s Opening Day, a day to celebrate a return to baseball for 29 major league franchises as well as the Baltimore Orioles, who will also be playing.

“It’s great to be back,” said Yankees slugger Aaron Judge. “In a shortened season, the games really matter. I’m looking forward to playing some exciting games in addition to some games against Baltimore.”

According to sources inside the Baltimore Orioles clubhouse, the players are reportedly very excited that they get to wear matching hats and jerseys “with numbers and everything on them, just like a real team.”

“This cancer has prevented me from dealing with a worse one.”

“I can’t believe we get to go out there and play against the Yankees, the Red Sox, [and] the Blue Jays,” said Orioles first baseman Chris Davis, who managed to break his record-setting hitless drought in the fourth year of his $161-million contract.

Star Orioles player Trey Mancini, meanwhile, will miss the season as he recovers from colon cancer. In an Instagram post, Mancini said he was “thankful that this cancer is preventing me from dealing with a worse one…my sentence in this Kafkaesque prison of a ball club has been commuted.”

At press time, the Miami Marlins and Detroit Tigers were incredibly relieved that they weren’t the target of this article. ♦

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