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Johnson & Johnson & Johnson

By Ari Mostow and Gabrielle Mostow | Staff and Guest Writers

Dear Johnson & Johnson,

I hope your corporation has been having a nice summer. It’s been hot lately, so I’m sure your subsidiary Neutrogina™ skin products are selling quite well! Anyway, I’m writing to you because I’m a huge fan of your medical devices, pharmaceutical, and consumer packaged goods, and I think that with my unique and relevant last name, we might just be able to work out a deal. You see, I too am a Johnson – and I was wondering if there’s room to maybe get in on this whole “Johnson” thing you’ve got going. Specifically, I would like to be the third Johnson. Just picture it: Johnson & Johnson and Johnson! Me, up there with the big players!

First of all, you wouldn’t even notice. At the point where you already have two, what difference does it make, am I right? Tomato, tomahto. Or as I say, “tomato, tomato, tomato.” Look, I have a lot of great ideas for you guys. If you’re willing to sign me on, I’ll tell them to you. I promise.

Furthermore, I think I would get along really well with the founders. Think about all the fun jokes we could make, like: “who, me?” or “which Johnson?” All of this confusion would surely produce chuckles and gaffes galore. We could also play duck-duck-goose, but instead call it “Johnson-Johnson-Johnson.” I’m smiling already at the bonding and camaraderie that I will have between the brothers. Soon, we won’t even remember who was originally brothers with who. It will be so great!

Screen Shot 2020-07-23 at 10.51.48 AM
I designed a graphic!

I also feel that I really understand your corporate culture. With my last name being Johnson, I have a natural understanding of your company’s – or should I say our company’s – values. I also know to never cast a fishing rod at night! (Sorry, that’s just an inside joke between me and the other Johnsons. Or at least, I’m hoping it will be once I tell them the story about getting a $100 citation from the park ranger for fishing at night.)

Think of all the greatness your company has accomplished (hashtag Fortune 500!) – and that’s just with two Johnsons. Imagine the limitless potential we could achieve if you have me on board. All I am asking for in return is heavy financial compensation with stock options, as well as a free supply of your baby powder for a friend of mine who tends to get frequent diaper rashes. I look forward to our future partnership. Please write back soon, and definitely get that me that powder ASAP.


Fartface Johnson ♦

Thank you for reading!
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